Tag Archive: Comedy


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Rules That Guys Wished Women Knew

  1. Crying is blackmail.
  2. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don’t work.
  3. Don’t cut your hair. Ever.
  4. Sometimes, we’re not thinking about you. Live with it.
  5. Get rid of your cat.
  6. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
  7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
  8. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, and neither do we.
  9. You have too many shoes.
  10. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
  11. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up put it down.
  12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
  13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We’re bound to miss sometimes.
  14. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
  15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  16. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
  17. Sunday = Sports
  18. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
  20. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
  21. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
  22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.
  23. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
  24. You have enough clothes.
  25. Nothing says “I love you” like sex.

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  1. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  2. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  3. The only time you’re standing still is during an earthquake.
  4. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  5. You lick your coffeepot clean.
  6. You spend every vacation visiting “Maxwell House.”
  7. You’re the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don’t even work there.
  8. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  9. You’re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
  10. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  11. All your kids are named “Joe.”
  12. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  13. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  14. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  15. People get dizzy just watching you.
  16. When you find a penny, you say, “Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I’ll have a cup.”
  17. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  18. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  19. You’re so wired, you pick up FM radio.
  20. Your life’s goal is to “amount to a hill of beans.”
  21. Instant coffee takes too long.
  22. When someone says. “How are you?”, you say, “Good to the last drop.”
  23. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
  24. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  25. You’re offended when people use the word “brew” to mean beer.
  26. You name your cats “Cream” and “Sugar.”
  27. You get drunk just so you can sober up.
  28. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  29. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  30. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  31. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  32. You don’t tan, you roast.
  33. You can’t even remember your second cup.
  34. You introduce your spouse as your “Coffeemate.”
  35. You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”
  1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
  2. He actually *does* have your tongue.
  3. You find a stash of “Feline of Fortune” magazines behind the couch.
  4. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
  5. You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.
  6. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
  7. Droppings in litter box spell out “REDRUM.”
  8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, “Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?”
  9. Takes attentive notes every time “Itchy and Scratchy” are on.
  10. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
  11. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
  12. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
  13. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.
  14. You find a piece of paper labelled “MY WIL” which says “LEEV AWL 2 KAT.”
  15. Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.

 

16. Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully
clear gifreads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.

15. Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
14. Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of
clear gifPoland.
13. When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of
clear gif the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing
clear gif with yarn.
12. Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets,
clear gif and nine suicide bombs.
11. What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose
clear gif step.
10. Well, “somebody” subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
 9. Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo”
clear gif to be blueprint of the UN Building.
 8. Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
 7. Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys
clear gifand leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”
 6. Then — dead mice in the kitchen. Now — dead third world
clear gifdictators in the basement.
 5. Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some
clear gifkind of “land mine” technology.
 4. Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
 3. Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.
 2. What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes
clear gifup for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Plotting World Domination…

 1. Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Feline of Fortune” magazine.

93 ways to be annoying

1.Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way”.
2. Drum on every available surface.
3.Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
4. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
5.Ask 800 operators for dates.
6.Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
7.Sew anti-theft detector strips into people’s backpacks.
8. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
9.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
10.Specify that your drive-through order is “dine-in”.
11. Set alarms for random times.
12.Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of “Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip…”
13.Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
14. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
15.Instead of “Gallo”, serve “Jack Daniel’s” next Thanksgiving.
16.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking” noise.
17. Honk and wave to strangers.
18. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter’s Orange.
19.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
20. Tape pieces of “Sweating to the Oldies” over climactic parts of rental movies.
21.Wear your pants backwards.
22.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
23.Begin all your sentences with “ooh la la!”.
24.Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed’s “Metal Machine Music”.
25. Leave someone’s printer in compressed-italic-Cyrillic-landscape mode.
26.ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
27. only type in lowercase.
28.dont use any punctuation either
29.Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
30. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
31. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
32.Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
33.Write “X – BURIED TREASURE” in random spots on all of someone’s roadmaps.
34.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/ UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
35.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
36.Light road flares on a birthday cake.
37. Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
38. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
39.Demand that everyone address you as “Conquistador”.
40.Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
41.At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
42.When Christmas caroling, sing “Jingle Bells, Batman smells” until physically restrained.
43. Wear a cape that says “Magnificent One”.
44.As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
45.Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
46.Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
47.Sing the “This is the song that never ends…” song.
48.Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
49.Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
50.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “no, wait, I messed it up”, and repeat.
51. Drive half a block.
52.Name you’re dog “Dog”.
53. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
54.Ask people what gender they are.
55.Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
56.Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
57.Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, create a Southern Drawl.
58.Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a “real hoot”.
59.Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don’t want to fall off “in case the big one comes”.
60.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
61.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers’ brains, such as “Feliz Navidad”, the Archies’ “Sugar” or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
62.While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
63. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
64.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
65.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
66.Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it’s a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
67.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
68. Chew on pens that you’ve borrowed.
69.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
70. Wear a LOT of cologne.
71.Ask to “interface” with someone.
72.Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your “superior mental processing”.
73. Sing along at the opera.
74.Mow your lawn with scissors.
75.At a golf tournament, chant “swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batta!”
76.Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy”.
77.Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”.
78.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
79.Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles”.
80.Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as “sticky wicket isn’t cricket.”
81.Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a “magic picture”.
82.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
83.Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
84. Silences with the impression that you’ll be saying more any moment.
85.Never make eye contact.
86. Never break eye contact.
87. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
88.Construct elaborate “crop circles” in your front lawn.
89.Give a play-by-play account of a person’s every action in a nasal Harry Carey voice.
90.Say random numbers while someone is counting.
91. Make appointments for the 32nd of April.
92. Invite lots of people to other people’s parties.
93.Send fifty copies of this list with my link to everyone you know.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOWLY, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to “10″.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi! I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this junk, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you’re taking it for a “test drive.”
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow. Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “…I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you people just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?”
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: “Marco Polo.”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. *BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.

10. Your hairdresser doesn’t wash and clean your rear end.

9. You don’t go for 8 weeks without washing or brushing your hair.

8. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to give you a sanitary trim.

7. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to clean your ears.

6. Your hairdresser doesn’t have to clean boogies from your eyes.

5. You sit still for your hairdresser.

4. Your haircut doesn’t include a manicure or pedicure.

3. Your hairdresser only washes and cuts the hair on your head.

2. You don’t bite or scratch your hairdresser. (I hope not anyway).

And the Number 1 reason your dog’s haircut costs more than yours….

1. The likelihood of you pooping or peeing while your hair is being cut is extremely slim.

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